Undeniable Truth

What did I see that morning as I walked home, well let me tell you.

As I was walking home to go and get ready to spend the day with “April” as she suggested, as I walked there was a tranquil silence no cars, no people not even any animals. This silence was then broken by the sounds of a lone car approaching behind me, I hear the car speed up and as I turn to look I see what can only be described as a devastating sight… “April” drove past me in a panic and it just confirmed every dark thought that resided in my mind, she had spent the night at “Jay’s” She could no longer deny what had haunted my thoughts.

Yet despite seeing this I still wanted to see her.

Talking via message I could feel her tension and she sent one message that still sticks in my mind “today won’t be the day it was meant to be” The guilt that must have been residing in her must have been crushing but I knew she was not happy and if she meant anything she had been saying to me then I needed to know if it was true or not.

“April” decided to drive and we went off and spent the day together, I could see behind her eyes that she was uncomfortable about this morning, but she would not have wanted to seen me if she was really happy. We walked and talked for hours and it allowed me to understand the place she was in. As we sat by the river “April” looked sad I leant over and pulled her close, she held onto me tightly I could see by the look in her eyes she wanted to let go and kiss me. The more we talked she told me how she felt for “Jay” and I could see that he was a rebound, he offered her what I hadn’t at the time which was admiration (which I had held back because I didn’t want “April” to feel pressured, I know I made a big mistake) She then looked me square in the eye and told me she was still in love with me.

This made my head spin and my heart race, If she still loved me shy could she not be with me? This was a question that would soon start to fracture my mind.

After we talked more I got the growing feeling that she was almost intimidated by “Jay” as she described some of the ways he reacted to things and how he acted towards her, could this be the reason she could not be with me? Was she that scared of him?

We walked some more and found ourselves walking along the river again, we stopped and just watched the water chatting about general things and found we both had the original Beatrix Potter books from our child hoods and for the first time that day I saw her old smile and saw her start to let go. We stood looking at the water laughing and smiling just like before as if nothing had even happened, as I looked a the river there were two that joined as I looked I don’t know what made me say this “two rivers that flow into one can never be distinguished again” as I looked at “April” she looked down and let out a heavy sigh.. I put my arms around her and pulled her close I felt her cuddle into me and she placed her arms around my waist and pulled me closer.

After what seemed like hours we decided to start waking again, I started to open up even more to “April” because well I have nothing left to be afraid of I have already lost her once.

“April” & I made are way back to my home I could see she had relaxed and the conversation turned back to our situation and “Jay” her body language changed and the look in her eyes became what can be described as recluse. As we parked up I went to get out of the car and gave her a hug “you look so sad..” she said I could not lie I was, she didn’t want me to leave  with a heavy heart but that was the only choice I had. When I left the car and started walking I turned to look back at her and she looked troubled, I lent down at her car window and said “I know you want to kiss me I can see it in your eyes” her answer was “I can’t” and then without warning she launched forwards and kissed me…

She would not have done this if she was happy.

Dark Times & Buried Feelings

I guess some of you will be reading and thinking “yes! karma got you good” and I would agree but I was far from through fighting for her.

The day after walking away I felt drained and empty, I pushed everything deep inside and pulled myself out of bed and carried on as normal. the day was long and slow life seems to have a funny way of throwing small reminders at you from every angle, a smell a sound a scene no matter what it is the feelings were trying to resurface and get dragged back up I held my resolve and pushed them deeper down until I felt numb.

Days passed and I the saw “April” while I was at work I could not look at her because I knew if I locked eye contact with her no matter how strong my will was I would not be able to stop those feelings breaking through the barriers I had created. I caught brief glimpses of her with “Jay” and she did not look happy I could see a false smile and a sad look in her eyes, I was in good company to keep my mind distracted even if it was only for a brief moment or two from the friendships of “Mia” & “Bianca”.

As I stood helping them I saw them both stop with a stunned look on their face’s I turned not see “April” walking back towards “Jay” I turned back to look at “Mia” & “Bianca” and wondered what they had just seen. After we finished we all went for a drink and they told me what they had seen, “April” had stood and just stared at me for almost a minute seemingly without realising it they way they described the look she had made my heart ache because it dragged up the one feeling that is all that really keeps me going…. Hope.

More time passed and I could find myself wanting to just speak to “April” about something, anything just to be able to look at her & hear her voice again. Out of the blue I received a message from “April” saying she missed me, just like that all the feelings I had buried came erupting to the forefront of my mind like an unstoppable volcano spewing magma. We began to take and it was clear we where both in a bad place and longed to be together…. These could have been the words I wanted to hear yet I kept one thought constant in my head, If she was that unhappy with “Jay” and meant what she was saying to me why was she still with him? This thought cut through me like a knifed through warm butter.

“April” asked me to spend a day with her just us nothing else away from everything, I agreed and we planned the day. The night before I had stayed with a friend and as I was walking back the next morning to get my self ready to meet “April” what I saw cut me deeper and left a scar far larger than the sharpest sword ever could…….

Walking Away

This Love thing is a mother F%$ker.

I remember this night vividly, it was one of the most difficult nights of  my life. I was at work and “April” came in alone I had to speak to her, I could see that it was upsetting her because of some of the questions I was asking her but I needed answers I needed to know if she was still in love with me or if it was all just a clever act.

We decided to take the conversation outside and sounds found ourselves in tears, she held me close and held me tight. “April” started to tell me things she hadn’t and things started to make sense, she looked into my eyes and said “I am still in love with you” these words are ones I had been longing to hear yet when she said them I felt only pain because if this was true why was she with “Jay”… The more we talked the more I learnt about how she was feeling and it was simple she was being held back by fear, I didn’t know what the fear was of but it became apparent that was the emotional reason.

I looked at “April” and asked her to promise me she would be happy her answer “I can’t promise that” I wanted to scream because I knew she still loved me and we would have everything together. I pulled her close and kissed her and said Goodbye….

I began to walk away into the rain that was approaching, I turned and looked back briefly to see her head down and tears streaming from her face. I wanted so much to turn back and go to her but I could not keep her in this loop we where caught in as I walked further away my heart was screaming at me to turn back, my head was filled with thoughts I wanted her to run to me or call my name and as I continued to walk…. nothing each step I felt my heavy heart each step getting harder like I was being crushed by a darkness.

My very soul felt like it was being torn in two, I had to keep walking and let her go so that she could be happy.

Even though I didn’t believe it…

A Sinking Feeling

I’m back again, I find writing really helps ease things and keeps my brain from turning to mush I haven’t exactly made this blog easy to find but if you have come across it I hope you can learn from my mistakes.

More time passed and I could see “April” trying to get closer to “Jay” yet nothing was official it seemed just to be one of those “friends with benefits situations” I could see her doing small things for him and I wanted to let her go so that she could be happy if she truly was with him but something just didn’t feel right because she still looked at me in the same way. I struggled to try and piece together the broken shards of my mind to gain clarity but all I thought about was her.

I could see she was trying to forget me and that “Jay” was a welcome distraction because he gave her the attention that I had not, I noticed she would speak to me through the day on certain days and then not on others which said to me that is when she was with him. I started to go on a few dates just to try and distract my mind but each time I just could not see anything but “April” I have made some good friends from this but they will never be anything more than that.

I found myself in the company of “Sophie” and her friends on several wild nights out, I was also finding more excuses to go out and drink. I could see myself on a downward spiral but the helpful advice of an old friend “Julia” helped me see all I was doing was trying to numb the feelings and it even got to the point that that didn’t work, I pulled myself together and curbed the excess amount I was drinking. I sat one day with “Julia” and showed her a message I was going to send to “April” and it made her cry, I laid everything on the line all my feelings… everything.

Days went past and I then built up the courage and sent the message.

I had a reply from “April” I could see that she was torn between me and “Jay” all I wanted was a straight answer, each time I saw her while I was working there was an electric tension but also a harrowing sense of pain. Things where going to come to a head soon, I had laid everything down for her the first day she met me to say her feelings had changed all those weeks ago yet if that was true why would she still have that certain look for me…

I spoke more and more to her and I knew I was going to have to speak to her and put it on the line and potentially walk away to save us both from this vicious circle we where ensnared in.

A Love that was Lost.

Now some will say that Karma came back and hit me with full force and that I deserved it… which yes I did because of how I acted but that did not change the fact that with all my heart I knew “April” was special and I was not about to give up.

Days passed and the pain was unbearable a deep sense of loss loomed over me and a crushing weight rested on my chest breathing seemed an insurmountable task. I could see “April” with “Jay” acting the way she did with me and it cut deep and the worst part was the undisputable fact that it was my fault, she had been pushed away by me and all the love and feelings she had for me where placed onto the nearest person who gave her what I hadn’t reassurance, security, comfort and yet still each time I saw them she didn’t look at him the same way… I could see behind her eyes I could see into her and what I saw was more powerful, more acute even than the visions of memories past my memory accorded me. The first, bitter taste of that terrible illusion: hope.

More time passed “April” had asked for space yet the way she looked at me and still spoke to me played on my mind which is what led me to my next course of action, I approached her farther “Kain”. While I was at work I could see a piercing stare from him and I knew the reason, I went and spoke to him and was met with hostility which I expected but I had to speak to him and the more I talked the more I could see him seeing that what I said I meant and that the simple undeniable fact was I was in love with “April” I had always respected “Kain” because he was straight with me but he gave me some perspective but I could see he didn’t really understand, I respected his words but I believe he knew that even if I had to go through him to be with her I would. I asked him not to mention this conversation with “April” as it was not my intention to try and sway her though him I only wanted to know where I stood because if she truly wanted to be with “Jay” and be happy that would be enough for me to let her go but my heart didn’t believe that for one second. 

I could feel myself changing more and more as each day went on I called on the assistance on the only man I will ever love my brother “Dante”. Speaking with him I was greeted with a look of disappointment which I expected, I explained as much as I could at that time but I could see from his perspective and he didn’t really understand. My Brother is a wise man and one of the only people who I would take a bullet for or trust me life with even though through this whole ordeal We have been distant because I needed to do this on my own. After his council I began to think more & more about everything and tried to put things down and move on but my heart just would not let go.

My mental state was fractured only those close to me could see it and I found friends in the most unlikely or people “Sophie”, “Mia” & “Bianca”. I was able to speak to them and gain different opinions and one thing I noticed was that “Sophie & Mia” understood and yet as supportive as “Bianca” was she just didn’t get it. I started to take time out from my day to sit and think and found myself just watching people old and you alike and what I noticed was people just settle they seem more concerned with being secure in terms of material things, this was a sad thing to see but on the rare occasion I would see a couple that had something more a look, a smile a presence that transcends everything else.

My feelings for “April” sounds have been subsiding but instead they became stronger because each time I saw her I knew I wanted nothing more. We began speaking more which led to her starting to open back up to me and I  began to understand more. I was at work and had finished and we both just happened to leave at the same time so I asked her for coffee, I could see her fighting inside herself and then gave me her answer “Yes”… I was taken back but we went for coffee.

We sat talking for hours and once again it seemed like minutes We began to talk about our situation and I asked if she was with “Jay” and her answer was no just friends, my heart screamed because I knew most people can’t be just friends but we are not together so I buried certain images deep down. I found myself opening up to “April” even more telling her things I never thought I would say to a person and mean it with all of my heart, I lent over and pulled her close and then looked her in her eyes… her beautiful eyes and said “April, you are so special and your not just another one of many… you are The One.” I could see she was taken back by this her eyes started to tear up and we held in an embrace for what seemed like hours even though it was only brief, We finished and parted company I could see she was fighting herself and hold back from kissing me I didn’t press the matter even though I could see it in her and she could see it in me.

I could feel my heart straining, reaching out for her but the time was not right her wounds were still to deep I had to keep fighting for her and nothing was going to stop me.

Held Back

Everything has a way of coming full circle.

As time passed I was busy working between to different establishments and found myself only seeing “April” when we had time, We still spoke everyday in one way or another and she would say how she had made really good friends with “Jenny”, “Mike” & “Jay”. I had a horrid feeling in my gut about all their nights out even as friends despite the fact that everyone was with someone my gut told me to tell “April” how I truly felt and totally open up to her and yet me being a colossal idiot I didn’t.

I started to find that “April” was not speaking to me as much I tried to find every reason to see her but she always seemed busy, a harrowing feeling hit me that I had pushed her away because I was to stupid to tell her how I really felt. I knew that if I was to stand any chance of not losing her I needed to act fast. We finally agreed to me up after I had sent her a message saying I thought she was starting to lose her feelings for me and that I thought there was someone else.

We met and I totally opened up to to her but by her words I could tell it was to late. I had pushed her away by trying to take things slow and now come across as jealous or possessive, from what she said she thought I didn’t care or even love her…. this was far from the truth. We spend hours together and left on what can be described as a emotionless kiss, I realised how much I had hurt her by not being open and all this was because of fear of what she might think.. what other people might think. I had a sudden growth and clarity that made me realise it does not matter what anyone else thinks all that mattered was making her happy and by not telling her my true feelings I had caused her suffering.

I sat and looked at the sky that night with a thousand thoughts running through my head, I once heard that monsters are all that cause suffering and I had caused so much pain to “April” and also caused my own suffering.

Guys don’t be afraid of your feelings. I was and now I was going to have to fight hard for “April” because out of everything I had changed and she was the reason.

I can’t see a future without her in it.

A Second Chance

Ok I am more than sure that some of you want to give me a rather large slap in the face with some sort of blunt object but there is more to hear first.

Days went past in what seemed like an eternity and then I saw finally got the chance to see “April” at work and I told her I hoped she was ok and that I had left “Kat” I didn’t expect anything from her because of the mistake I had made leaving her that day I finished work and the next day something happened that I could only have hoped for… “April” sent me a message saying wanted to meet with me and speak with me could this be a second chance? or was she going to hit me with her car, either way there was no chance I was going to say no.

The next day I meet with “April” we sit and talk about silly things and then she asked me this “When the dust settles I don’t know if you want to but maybe we could start seeing each other?” I had a flood of emotion I could not believe what I had just heard I had a second chance. I turn and look at her beautiful eyes and say “that is why I am here, because I want to be with you” I saw behind her eyes a rush of energy and emotion and then a look that will stay with me until my last days, I have never had anyone look at me with such intensity or look as happy as she did in that moment, we grabbed each other, held on tight, she pulled my lips to hers it felt like that moment lasted for an eternity and for a brief second everything was perfect.

After speaking and spending several hours together we parted company, I would have to wait until the next day before I would get to see her again.

I remember waking up feeling like I was on cloud 9 I went to work and saw “April” and she was with her dad “Kain” he asked to speak to me, we stood and spoke he said he was happy for us and the way things had gone and advised me to take things slow with “April” even though this was the last thing I wanted to do I agreed and said we need to do a lot of the small things together (all I wanted to do was to tell her how much I loved her) from that moment we started spending more time together and going to different places enjoying just being together.

I was mindful of “Kains” request to take things slow so I did. Weeks started to pass and I had also started working at a second establishment so I went from seeing “April” everyday to only when we had time which was what I thought she also wanted (to take things slow, as she had not said otherwise) I kept my true feelings back, not the simple feeling of love the deeper feeling that if I am honest was scary to admit. I began to notice that “April” had begun making new friends at my work which didn’t bother me but I could see that one of them liked her but I didn’t want to come across possessive so I was happy to let their friendship develop. One day “April” and I were out and I just gently mentioned to her that “Jay” liked her more than a friend and to be careful “April” laughed and said we are just friends after all he has a girlfriend.

…… So did I when I met her though.